gf: babe come over

me (a lawnmower) : no i cant im cutting the grass and you live in the sky

gf: my parents are out

me: image

at what point does a joke die because i think we’ve beaten this horse into the ground with an aluminum bat

Currently getting drunk to West Coast

The true revolutionary duty of a writer is to write well.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez | 1927-2014 (via echo5charlie)


trying to teach your friend how to ride a bike



420 is so close I can almost taste all the bad jokes I’ll have to weed through

(Source: grinderman2)

  • Doctor: I think you'll need a shot
  • Me: AYYYYY
  • Doctor: AYYYYY *brings out tequila*


In middle school i kept adding myself to my school’s wikipedia page under Notable Alumni and they kept removing me


im never telling a white boy i’m egyptian ever again

Things I like